Skip the Botox, try Facial Yoga

I’ve lost a bet and had to do yoga before but this is crazy!  

Oh, and I’m lying about the losing a bet part.  One day I was watching my girlfriend yoga-ing and I remember thinking, “What are you grunting about?!  That doesn’t look that difficult!”  Then I tried it…  Much more difficult than I thought!!!  

…as seen on time.com

 

Free Your Tongue

It is recommended that you hold this pose for 60 seconds. It is good if your eyes water; that flushes the toxins that may have accumulated there.

 

 

Temple Dancer Eyes

This exercise works on the ring muscles of the eyes to prevent sagging skin and crow’s feet.

 

 

Smiling Fish Face

Smile while pursing your lips. This pose is modeled after the look celebrities often give the paparazzi.

 

 

Lion Face, Part I

Inhale through your nose, make fists and squeeze all your facial muscles…

 

 

Lion Face, Part II

Now exhale through your mouth, stick out your tongue, roll your eyes up and open your hands. Repeat three times.

 

 

Surprise Me!

Widen your eyes, as though surprised, but try not to wrinkle the brow. Focus on a point in front of you for about five to ten seconds. Then repeat, four times.

 

 

Satchmo

Named for Louis Armstrong, this poses mimics the cheeks of a trumpet player.

 

 

Marilyn

The repetitive puckering and blowing creates stronger, firmer lips.

 

 

Baby Bird

Swallow while pressing the tip of the tongue to the roof of your mouth. Then tilt your head slightly to the left and swallow. Then repeat, towards the right. This exercise helps jowls from forming.

 

 

Buddha Face

Close your eyes, relax and imagine a point between the brows. Hold for one minute, or longer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Your Mama slept with Wilt Chamberlain

Pretty much everyone knows who Wilt Chamberlain is.  But if you don’t, he’s the guy that supposedly slept with 20 thousand women.  Oh, and he played professional basketball.  Well, have you ever wondered if your mom was one of the 20 thousand?  Are you the love child of Wilt?  Here’s a  test.  But if going to the link is too much work for you, here are the questions (as presented from the guys at The World of Isaac):

Question 1: (1 point)

Was my Mom born between 1910-1955? 

(If yes, please move on to Question 2. If no, disregard this survey, your mom more than likely is not part of the sacred 20k.)

Question 2: (2 points)

Was my Mom a hippy? (i.e. did she go to Woodstock, experiment with drugs)

Question 3 (3 points)

Did my Mom have some junk in the trunk?

Question 4:(5 points)

Was my Mom a hussy?(did she go to the drive-in often, did your grandpa have to fight away would be suitors)

Question 5:(5 points)

Do I look nothing like my Dad?

Question 6: (5 points)

Am I at least 6’3″?

Question 7: (7 points)

Do I have unique basketball and/or volleyball skills?

Question 8: (7 points)

Was my Mom a basketball fan?

Question 9: (10 pts)

Did my Mom live in Philadelphia or LA during the 60s?(Wilt’s hometowns)

Question 10: (20 pts)

Has my Mom ever met Wilt Chamberlain?


  

 

Please add up your score and use the Calculator below to find out about your Mom

Scoring Calculator:

Perfect Score 65: Not only did your Mom get on Wilt several times, but you are more than likely their love child

55-64: Its time to sit down and get some answers from your parents

35-55: I wouldn’t call your mom a hoe, but if we were playing P-I-G, she would have H-O

20-34: Your Mom may have not slept with Wilt but she probably got around with most of your Dad’s friends

1-19: Eh, your Mom probably hiked up her knickers once or twice, nothing too serious

Stoya’s First Porn (music) Video

I recently ran across this scrumptious video of an amateur porn starlet by the name of Stoya getting eaten out by her boyfriend.  It’s a music video by the band InnerPartySystem and from what I’ve been able to find out this is her debut scene.  Due to the fact that this is a music video the only picture in frame is of Stoya’s face and her reaction/emotion and not of the sex act itself. 

 

 

Note: Apparently, a blogger by the name of ultragrrrl is claiming to have discovered this video.  Either way, the video is amazing and should raise the bar on how porn scenes should be shot.  

 

Katrina, the pink elephant in the room

CNN.com recently posted an article about a family possibly going through a divorce due to hurricane Katrina.  In that article it stated that “Louisiana has kept figures on almost everything Katrina-related; the number of people who died, the number who were injured and the houses that were damaged or destroyed.  But the state is not keeping statistics on the number of divorced in a post-Katrina world”.  This caused me to think, what other statistics are being kept about post-Katrina activities?  I have family that live in Houston and San Antonio and have been told many stories of the effects of Katrina victims moving in to town.  Not that helping out those in need is a bad thing.  Not at all but some of the stories told to me are similar to when you’re out and about you can point out someone who has been a victim of Katrina because they’re acting obnoxiously rude or they make it a point to stand out in a negative way. 

Disclaimer: For the record, I mean no malcontent in the posting.  I wish I didn’t have the ammo to load this weapon of malicious destruction (WMD). 

Disclaimer II: I know I shouldn’t have made a funny out of the disclaimer but I couldn’t help it!

Normally, this is where someone would insert a story of empathy.  Something like: “I can talk about this because my family is a Katrina refugee” or “The city I live in has experienced a significant increase in criminal activity due to the victims of Katrina moving in”.  Well, I don’t.  The closest thing I have is that the city that I’m from, San Anotnio, but no longer live in has experienced this.  So I don’t have a specific reason to talk about it, it’s just that it seems like this is the big pink elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. 

It appears that if your city provided a safe haven for Katrina victims the crime rate jumped through the roof.  Think about it if you were a criminal, let’s say you were on probation and lived in New Orleans and were displaced to a new city, it’s like a clean slate!  But instead of taking that clean slate turning a new leaf, you figure no one knows who you are or your seedy past so you use that clean slate to start a new criminal life.  From a criminal mind point of view it makes perfect sense.  What better opportunity for a criminal who wants to remain a criminal than a clean slate in a new city with no ties to your former life?  It’s similar to the witness protection program! 

Have you ever been digging a hole and realized the dirt you’re throwing out of the hole is landing right back on you?  Yeah, that’s how I feel right now…

So, back to my original question, is there a statistic out there that has tracked the increase in crime due to Katrina victims arriving in a given city?  

El Cabrito, history of

 

Not that long ago I took this dating persona quiz from okcupid.com and my result?  “The Billy Goat”.  Horny.  Stubborn.  Kinda cute.  Slightly immature.  And often found on rough terrain. 

That result, not the description but the term- Goat, conjured up memories of a childhood incident. 

I was around eight or nine years old, my Aunt and Uncle had a small farm and on that farm they had chickens, goats, snakes, lizards, horned toads… (it was an equal opportunity farm!).  The focus of this story, though, are the goats.  We had cleaned the goat pens and were taking the hay and spreading it for them to eat.  As I was bent over pulling the hay a goat charged and rammed me right in the noggin’ (good news: my soft spot had already healed, bad news: I have a new soft spot).  I was out like a light!  When I came to, I was on the sofa, my Aunt was sitting over me holding an ice pack on my head.  My uncle comes over and tries to comfort me.  He asks me what ever I want I can have.  I must have been crying because when I replied, my voice cracked, but I was able to say, “I want cabrito (goat) tonight for dinner!”  Well, we had cabrito for dinner that night. 

Now, now, before you get all excited and go calling PETA on me, goat was a common dish growing up.  It’s not like if a dog bit us we were like, ‘bring out the grill we’re having dog tonight!’ 

But if you are going to call PETA make sure you send Amanda Beard. 🙂 

With memories like that you’d think I’d grow up to be in the mob.  Well, I’m not- to your disappointment I’m sure.  But I have always found myself referencing Adam Sandler and his Goat character.  “Hey Goat!” 

“Ya button-hooked me!” 

“Hey Goat, you have a knot on your head.”  “Jes, you better knot mention that again!” 

 On and on I could go, but to serve Mr. Sandler and you justice, I won’t.  You’re better off listening to it yourself. 

So, that’s the history of El Cabrito (aka The Goat).  

Don’t let your kids talk to strangers and don’t let your kids get hit in the head by a goat.